Alexandra Grace Clarke

Alexandra Grace Clarke

Born Sleeping 22nd September 2006 @ 9:59am, 7lbs 7oz

(This was written just before Alexandra's 1st birthday)

To our darling Alexandra Grace,

We can't quite believe where the times gone and how long it's been since we kissed you goodbye.
Mummy feels the need to write this to you sweetheart, so that you know how much you are wanted and loved and how much we miss you.
Once we'd got over the shock of the two blue lines (it always takes daddy a little while hee hee), we were so very excited that you were on your way. As you grew inside me, I felt so happy and treasure each and every one of those little kicks and punches you gave me. You loved strawberry milk shake and pancakes and always stopped kicking as soon as I told daddy to put his hand on my belly. I knew you'd have lots of hair as mummy had lots of heartburn. Daddy spent such a lot of time and love decorating your nursery. No short cuts were allowed and everything had to be just right. As the day got nearer, we got more and more excited and just couldn't wait to meet you. We talked endlessly about whether you would be a boy or a girl, what you would look like, what your personality would be like and what kind of a mum and dad we would make.
Mummy couldn't believe it when she started getting labour pains the day before your due day. We were finally going to be meeting you. Mummy started to get a little worried that you weren't moving as much as normal, but after calling the hospital and having an ice cold drink & bath you had a little wriggle and all was fine. Mummy was still worried, but she was probably just being silly and not noticing the movement as much as she was having labour pains. Grandma finished work early and came to mummy without even knowing the labour pains had started. She must have been psychic. Daddy came home from work and started to time the contractions. A few hours later they were 5 minutes apart and getting stronger. Time to go in to hospital. The midwife at the hospital checked your heartbeat and you were fine sweetheart. Mummy and daddy were so relieved. See, mummy was just being silly after all. We went home as mummy wasn't dilating. The contractions felt so strong, but we had to do as we were told. We gave it another few hours and then decided to go back in, as mummy was struggling with the pain. It seemed to be ages until a midwife came to check me. She couldn't find a heartbeat. You must be hiding she said & tried again. Still couldn't find anything. Mummy, daddy and grandma didn't feel worried though. You had been fine a few hours ago, so nothing could be wrong. Another midwife came, but she had difficulty too. A doctor came along with a scan machine. She told me not to look at the screen. 'Why', I asked, 'there's nothing wrong is there?' 'I'm so sorry.........but there's no hearbeat'.
We'll never ever forget those words Alexandra. I hear them every single day and mummy just can't even begin to describe the pain. The absolute shock of hearing them. I still can't believe it now a year on. The rest is such a blur now sweetheart. 'You have to give birth naturally Lisa'..... 'No, you can't have a C-Section'.........'you need to think about whether you want to see your baby'........'You need to decide on whether to have a postmortem'. It just wasn't supposed to be like this. We had so much to take in and felt so utterly devastated and helpless. Daddy had to tell all your family and friends who were waiting to hear our good news. It was so so hard for him. Lots of people came to support mummy and daddy. Nanny and Granddad, Auntie Claire, Auntie Laura, Nanny Boo and many others. We somehow got through the next day, but I don't know how. The gas and air helped when mummy could prise it from daddy's hands.
Then it came to you being born. Mummy and daddy were so frightened. Mummy pushed with all her might and daddy saw you come out. You were cleaned up and daddy held you so close. He always knew you would be a little girl. You were so so beautiful and perfect. We longed for you to take a breath and for all the doctors to have been wrong. Mummy felt poorly and was so frightened to hold you. I'm so sorry I didn't hold you for longer. I regret that so very much and treasure the few moments that I did hold you for and kissed your chubby little cheek. I can still feel you in my arms now and see that beautiful face. You looked so much like your daddy and I see you each time I look at him sleeping. Everyone came in to meet you sweetheart and saw how perfect you were. And then you were gone. Mummy and daddy have so many regrets and they haunt us every single day. We were so scared and just didn't know what to do or how to do things. Mummy wishes she had insisted on staying in the hospital to be monitored after your movements had slowed down and I'm so sorry I let you down. We wish we'd spent so much longer with you and daddy is so sorry that he sent you away. He had to be strong and make decisions for mummy you see & just did what felt right at the time. We wish we could do it all over again. Spend one more minute with you and feel close to you. We would go through it all again and more just to spend that minute with you. We wish we had seen your eyes open and heard you cry. We wish that we could do all those things that we talked endlessly about before you were born. We wish you were here with us now. Mummy and Daddy will never ever forget you Alexandra Grace. Every day is painful without you. Everything we do is tinged with the sadness that your not here. We wonder at what you would have looked like and been like. We look at other children and feel so sad that your not here doing what they're doing. With each year that passes we will always wonder at what should have been. Happier times are on their way with your little brother, but we will always grieve for our precious little girl who had to leave us too soon.

We love you so much Alexandra Grace. Thank you for choosing us to be your mummy and daddy. We treasure every minute you were with us for and feel so lucky that you touched our hearts xxx


'An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth
and whispered as she closed the book
too beautiful for earth'


The Butterfly

A butterfly came floating by and I thought I knew it’s face
It landed on my shoulder and spread it’s wings of lace
I looked and saw it smiling as it winked and flew away
I’m sure I heard it whisper we will meet again one day

A butterfly came calling and I’m really not sure why
It just came down upon me as it tumbled from the sky
It didn’t stop for very long but its beauty did inspire
For it made me smile when I was low and life was feeling dire

A butterfly has flown away for I watched it on the breeze
Though its visit now has warmed me and made me feel at ease
It’s hard to share this grieving and the pain I have within
But a butterfly has shown me how a new time can begin

Written by Uncle Fredericko
Dec 06


Child

A tiny life is growing
Inside a cosy place
Her arms and legs are flailing
A smile is on her face.
Her mother feels a tiny kick
Upon her rounded tummy
And waits impatiently for the day
When she becomes a Mummy.
The baby's smile is fading
But her eyes are open wide
She knows that she'll be leaving soon
But will never see outside.
There aren't so many kicks now
In fact there's none at all
Gran says that baby's sleeping
And keeps knitting up her shawl.
Her life is draining quickly
But no-one knows a thing
A tiny smile fleets her face
When she hears her Mother sing.
She knows that she'll remember her
And the things she heard her say
Peacefully and happily
The baby drifts away.
Mummy knows that something's wrong
And is at the clinic before too long
A scan is done and Doctor says
I'm sorry, baby's gone.
The grief is overwhelming
The sadness takes its toll
Friends and family gather round
As she's buried in her shawl.
As time goes by and lapses on
Her Mother sheds a tear
And hears these words inside her head
Mum I'm always here,
I'll never ever leave you
Although you may not know
I'll be beside you every day
Through laughter, joy and woe.
You'll never need to miss me
For I am in your heart
And though we're in two different worlds
We'll never be apart

Author unknown
Sent to Mummy & Daddy by Uncle Phil


Ask my mum how she is

My mum, she tells alot of lies
She never did before
But from now, until she dies
She'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mum how she is
And because she can't explain
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain

Ask my mum how she is
She'll say that 'I'm alright'
If that's the truth, then tell me
Why does she cry each night

Ask my mum how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn't have the choice you see
Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mum how she is
'Im fine, I'm well, I'm coping'
For Gods sake mum, just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken

She'll love me all of her life
I loved her all of mine
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine

I am here in heaven
I can not hug from here
If she lies to you, don't listen
Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again
We'll smile and I'll be bold
I'll say 'you're lucky to get in here mum,
with all the lies you told'



It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave --
He lost his baby too.


These are My Footprints

These are my tiny footprints, so perfect and so small.These tiny little footprints never touched the ground at all.


Not one tiny little footprint, for now I have my wings. These tiny little footprints were meant for other things.


You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.


You will see my tiny footprints in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know i'm with you, if you give me just a chance.


You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.


Most of all these footprints are found in Mummy & Daddy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part.